Even if you’re only passingly familiar with his music, you probably know the details of Elvis Presley’s final moments.
The King died as he lived — dogging a peanut butter, banana, and barbiturate sandwich while straining to produce his final project in a gas station bathroom stall.
We might be a little hazy on some of the details there, but the gist remains clear:
After years of hard living, Elvis passed away in 1977 at the age of 42.
And for reasons that remain unclear to those of us who have never worn a tinfoil hat or purchased a single copy of the Enquirer, millions of people are convinced the rock legend faked his own death and spent the past four decades hiding from the public eye.
Theories as to why and how one of the most famous men on the planet pulled off such a disappearing vary wildly.
But all the conspiracy theorists seem to agree on certain key points.
They believe that just like Tupac and countless Nazi war criminals, Elvis decided he would be happier living out his days in anonymous solitude, and he staged a premature passing before fleeing to a tropical hideaway.
Now, the head cases who continue to perpetuate this lunacy have uncovered what they claim is definitive evidence that Elvis is alive and well and unloading his .45 into a flatscreen somewhere in the vicinity of Johnny Depp’s private island.
That’s video of a press conference held just prior to Elvis’ 1970 performance at the Houston Astrodome.
And how could footage taken seven years prior to Presley’s passing possibly serve as evidence that he faked his own death?
We’re glad you asked, hypothetical reader who’s actually giving this sh-t some thought!
Elvis had a twin brother who died at birth, and conspiracy theorists have long held that the unfortunately-named Jesse Presley actually survived to adulthood, but lived his life in hiding — emerging only occasionally to serve as his brother’s body double.
These people believe the video above shows Jesse masquerading as his twin, and they claim the evidence is in his brown eyes (Elvis was famous for his baby blues) and fidgety demeanor.
“In this video, one can clearly see the brown eyes and the mannerisms as being different from that of Elvis! That is because this interview was done by Jesse Garon Presley.” wrote one commenter.
“I’ve seen this before I knew it was Jesse and not Elvis as he was not comfortable,” a second fan echoed.
“I noticed that too,” a third wrote. “I also noticed that Jesse could not answer all of the questions about the events in Elvis’ life.”
Obviously, this theory’s got more holes than a lesbian gangbang, beginning with the fact that Elvis wasn’t born famous, which means there would have been no reason to hide his brother for use as a future stand-in.
But let’s play nutjob’s advocate for a bit and pretend Jesse actually spent his life filling in as Counterfeit Elvis:
If he were making appearances on his brother’s behalf as early as 1970, couldn’t that mean Elvis actually died way earlier than we thought, and it was Jesse who lost his life in that Memphis filling station in ’77?
We think it’s time to face facts, Elvis truthers:
Despite all of your compelling “evidence” (His name is an anagram for “lives!”) Elvis left the building a very long time ago,
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tbTEoaalpKmsvLCwxqiqrKGgY7CwuY5rZ2pxX2WCcLHLr6CsZaCnsrS4xLJknKeeqL2qvsCcsGampam3sK7SZqqasV2ptabFjKGYr51dpb%2Bwu8Vmn56rXajBqrjLZpho